"Attack in Tunis and 21 people (mostly tourists) killed"

Insha Allah, in many years, I will read this heading and have a smile on my face, reflecting on how we felt tonight and how farfetched my imagination can be.

It all started in Istanbul, when a few riots (absolutely harmless) broke out on Taksim Square. They happened for all the right reasons, as the Turkish fist, shaped with men, women and children, rose against another unrealistic, egomaniac and deeply troubled prime minister. That was our first confrontation to riots in the place where we lived.  At that time, unable to go on the square as our first boubou was little, we banged pots and pans, to show our support and respect for the Turkish people who went and fought for their ideas.

In August 2013, as we were zipping up our suitcases the eve of our departure for Cairo, the second revolution broke out and on the day of our arrival, a curfew and state of emergency was instated, along with several travel bans to Egypt. I will never forget the dumbfounded face of the airport worker who was registering our bags, staring at our two babies and asked me quietly: "have you watched the news lately? Do you know what you are doing?"

Egypt, needless to repeat it, has been very good to us and as the number of days decreases before our departure, I feel increasingly sad and do NOT regret coming in on the 14th of August. Daily, bombs are being diffused around Cairo and friends are being assailed in their cars, but thankfully, we are safe, even if I do not feel as safe as when I walk around in Europe.

It is as though you have to choose between the safety of clouds, rain and cold efficiency or the unsafe, chaotic and poor warmth of the sunshine... 

Tonight, as I bake 52 cupcakes for a pretend birthday party (I shall not even explain how this happened), wiping my face thinking of how much I love this place and its people, "they" killed 19 tourists in Tunis. 

The first blow is from my own mind and a thousand thoughts are spinning around as fast as the blender. WHY THE HELL is this happening in Tunis, our next destination? How does this happen? Am I creating revolution and turmoil? What is wrong with my decisions in life? Am I even thinking of my children?

The second slap is on social network: understandably, our families and friends are concerned and send us their opinions about it. It is understandable, it is very sweet and it is also adding to the worrying / guilt trip I have already set sail on, full speed.

So here it is: I am afraid and I wish I didn't have to live in a place where safety is not granted. I am doubtful about our decisions and whether I am truly the best mother I can be for my family! I am scared to be one of those tourists who died today, but more importantly and as a mother, I fear for my children's safety...

Is 52 cupcakes worth it when I am flying my son and daughter towards such a destination? What was I thinking?

I remember in August, a quote calmed me: "No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse". So let's just eat those decorated cupcakes and see what happens...

Good night family and concerned friends, we love you too...